I was recently watching 20/20 (see video below) where the subject was “Strange Arrangements: The New Sex”.  It was about a polyamorous group of  polyamorous people living, dating and raising children in polyamory.  Married couples and singles rounded out the group.  They did not consider themselves “swingers,” but I beg to differ.  Are poly people swingers?  Are swingers poly?  Are they subsets of each other?  Which is the umbrella term or where do they intersect with each other?  (I know there are a lot of strong opinions out there! Read the article, then take the online poll at the end.)

To be honest up front, I’ll reveal some background.  I am a swinger and I have been swinging for some time now.  I have done faithful monogamy for years with different loves and cheating husbands.  I have done serial monogamy.  And I have done zipless fucks at swinger house parties and threesomes with couples.  In my path in swinging I have fallen in love with multiple people.  Some at the same time!  And I am currently in a stable long-term loving relationship as a triad with another man and woman.  I was raised Catholic and, although I no longer practice, I will always be institutionally Catholic.

To me fidelity equals honesty–not forced monogamy.  At the moment I have my foot in both worlds–both polyamory and swinger lifestyle.  I live with a couple, my adolescent son and two dogs.  My on-again off-again boyfriend lives nearby.  I consider both men my loves–although the love is different between the two.  And of course I am bisexual, so she is also my girlfriend!  Complicated right?  It really isn’t as much as you might think.  Oh should I mention my live-out boyfriend sometimes stays with us with his special needs son, and that his ex-wife had dinner with us?  LOL…keep reading.

Within this collection of people the styles of swinging are very different.  My live-out boyfriend really only enjoys serial one-on-one sex (or threesomes) with females.  We tried to swing together as a couple, and it just didn’t work.  There are too many dicks in the room for him during group sex.  He still considers himself a swinger although he only pursues single women.  My married boyfriend swings with his wife, with me, all three of us, and on his own.  His wife does the same thing–and about as much!  I swing with them as a couple, with him, and alone.  Group sex happens.  But in the end, no one cheats, no one lies, and no one does anything that will hurt any one of us.  If she is uncomfortable with a particular partner he’s chosen, he doesn’t have sex with them.  If he is uncomfortable with one of my choices, I demur.  I don’t think I’ve ever said no to him!  I love the stories he comes back with!

Oh and my son?  He is happy, well-adjusted and doing great.  His teachers all love him for his intellect, social skills and even-temper.  Even during some recent (and unrelated) issues, he’s been resilient and happy, and I found that it takes a village to raise him.   We are not unlike any other family.  Loving family.  Caring adults.  Honest relationships.  And prudent, private, adult love life behind closed doors.  I mean really!  Do monogamous couples have sex in front of their children?  Do they announce details about hot dates with their wife or husband?  Of course not!  And neither do we!  He does know I love them all, and all love him.  He has a huge amount of support and two men to talk to about anything.  Despite the obvious love and affection shared among us all, we are very cautious about disclosing polyamory or swinging at all.  We don’t want others shunning him because we are perceived as swingers.  To the rest of the world I am a divorced single mom who is being helped by a couple and who has a boyfriend who lives nearby.  We don’t shout to the world (or at least to Americans, as most of the world would not care) that we are polyamorous or swingers.  They are not ready for us.

So I consider myself both poly and a swinger–which contradicts stereotypes of both camps.  Many polyamorous people have trouble with swingers because they believe most swingers are indiscriminate in their sexual choices.  Nothing could be further from the truth for most swingers!  But, like any group, you have the extremes distributed at both ends of the spectrum.  You will find swingers who will do anything with anyone on one hand to other swingers who are swingers in name or philosophy only because they date very few others.  Many swingers are surprised and can take offense to judgments levied by polyamorous people against them.   Swingers are often mystified by people who call themselves ploy, but will go to weekend retreats with other polyamorous people–form “family units” for three days, and consider that polyamorous.  In the swinging lifestyle that is known as a house party!  I consider poly and swingers two sides of the same coin.

The common theme between both groups are a set of rules among the participants.  These rules are different for each style, but can always be found and are important for the relationship to be secure.  Every multiple partner couple, group, or even a single must have a clear understanding of what is OK and what is not.  Jealously can visit just like with monogamous couples.  The difference is we are open and honest and talk about it.  Whereas many monogamous couples will just try to ignore the husband looking at breasts in the grocery story–swingers encourage that–or when the wife is flirting with someone at party–swinger men strongly promote this!

I did have issues though with 20/20′s grouping of the poly story with other “weird” sex stories.  Although the article was pretty balanced, the group emphasized that they were not swingers.  But swingers were never given a chance at counterpoint. (from the article)

These extracurricular relationships are not fleeting affairs and the couples aren’t “swingers.” Though Molly and David have been married for 12 years, Molly has been seeing Mark for five years, and David has been seeing J for three. Molly and Sierra have also been intimate for three years. And friendships were often cultivated years before things got intimate.

That’s OK because they have the right to define themselves as they choose.  Swinger and polyamorous people are both multiple partner groups with different attitudes about rules.  I’ve met swingers that lean towards being poly and polyamorous people that lean toward being swingers.  The bottom line is neither of these groups are really monogamous, but we are much more mainstream than many would expect or believe.  We are the PTA presidents and soccer coaches and Sunday school teachers all around you.

I would love to see the press do a real balanced article on swingers and poly.  A good comparison would really open up the discussion.  As society continues to accept gay and lesbians more and more, and as BDSM is gaining some understanding with the national best seller “Fifty Shades of Grey”, then maybe multiple partner groups like polyamorous people and swingers might have more understanding and acceptance.  Who knows?  Maybe swingers and poly groups may be the next to come out of the closet!